Decisions. Ideas. Opinions.
How to make a decision that would be the right for you? How to know what is best for you? It is again me, questioning everything in life. Thinking about my life and how my decisions have shaped the place where I am right now and how my decisions right now would influence my future.
Speaking with a smart man, who I only have met several times, and should mention, he is my lecturer in the university. From the lectures, he seemed like a decent and very smart, intelligent man. When I saw a notification of language courses that we can take as extracurriculars, and he is teaching an English class, I decided to take it, as I would like to improve my English skills, as I am not a native speaker and I have noticed more and more mistakes coming up in my speaking. Only 6 people have registered for the class and yesterday it was our first class. Sadly or happily, it was only 2 of us - me and my friend. The teacher seemed okay with that. As we sat down to wait for other people to arrive, we started with a small talk, which lead to deeper questions, such as "Why we are studying in Germany? What are our future plans? Will we stay here or want to go back to our home country?" etc. My friend was talking a lot and I was happy about it, as I don't need to talk about my future or my goals because I don't feel very well in my life right now and have some ideas what I want to achieve, but I have no clue how to do it. So I was listening to my friend talking and talking, and him asking questions and I was content. I just sat and listened. Until there came a question "And what about you?"
Me? What? Why? My mind was screaming as I didn't know how to answer politely and leaving out the personal details that no one knows? So I started slow and unsure about what to say, so most of it was something like "I don't know, travel? work on my own? have my own business?" But those who know me are aware that once I feel comfortable in the situation and people around me I start to talk and cannot stop. So sentence by sentence, I somehow got my thoughts out, but still, it was not the correct way how to say it.
At the end of my talk, I understood that I am so unsure about what I want and how I would be able to do it? I feel so lost. I want to do and achieve so many things but cannot figure out a way how. And then he said something along the lines of:
"You think too much. Think less and do more. If you want to do it, you will find a way. When you clear your mind and focus all your energy you will achieve it."
The whole evening after that talk, I felt inspired and motivated to do some things that I have been putting off because I was scared of failure or denial. It took me some time but I gathered my energy and confidence and walked into a place I thought I want to work. I just walked in there and immediately felt a kick in my stomach with feelings "I cannot do it, I don't want it, I am not able to do it" but I still thought if I gathered my courage, I still need to try and ask, maybe they say no? I just walked up to the man, said I am a student and looking for a part-time job. He gave me a paper form to fill, I took it and just ran outside. I got so scared and terrified that I could actually work there? I don't want that. It is not me.
The rest of the night I couldn't stop thinking about making a decision either to fill the paper and go back or just throw it out and look for other opportunities. Then and still now, I feel so lost because I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that I thought and dreamed to get a job there, but once I was the closest to really work there, I understood that I don't want it.
It is silly how our mind plays with us.
And what now? I still feel lost and don't know what to do and how to be. So I am just sitting here, writing my thoughts, with a hope that some better job opportunity will come up...